A Not So Ordinary Apology

Posted: January 5, 2014 in RÅnÐΦm Th☺üght§
Tags: , , ,

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Cute Romantic Emo girl 1As soon as I realized I was gay, I wanted to be straight.

My first defense? Having a boyfriend.
Did it last? No. But did it help? Yes. It became a part of my journey to self-acceptance.

Soon after I ended my relationship with my ex-boyfriend for good, I wanted to see him again to apologize for using him.

I just knew at that time, I wasn’t ready to admit to him (or to anyone) that I was gay … clearly because I couldn’t even admit it to myself. But really, it was because I had a hard time looking for a good outfit in the closet and wanted to come out as fabulously as I can. ;p

And when I was finally ready, all I needed was tequila… no, not that … well, okay that too … and timing.

It started in high school …
I was in a relationship with this guy, twice – once during high school, and once during college. The high school part was rather short-lived. We were a hot “love team” back then. Everyone liked it. My friends liked it. And it felt good – not because I liked him romantically, but because it made me feel normal. It made me fit in. Aside from that, I wanted to get rid of these girl crushes I had back then. Seriously, it felt awful to feel something you know you’re not supposed to. Entertaining those feelings is like adding ice cream to your cake … or getting more shots when you’re already tipsy. In short – a guilty pleasure. The only good thing about it was none of those girls were my barkada or close friends at that time. Thank God they were all like sisters to me, else it would’ve been damn awkward.

The struggle continues in college …
Then came college. After a 3-year secret relationship with a girl, I started to entertain suitors – 3 guys including him. Not to brag but I never really seemed to run out of suitors back then … most of them I kept secret. For some reason, I seemed to attract the wrong people – it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife … isn’t it ironic? – okay you can stop singing now. ;p I decided to give it a shot again, with him. We tried to make it work. I did, and so did he. But the more the relationship went on, the guiltier I felt. I couldn’t get myself to be intimate with him, or any guy for that matter. And those guys were not bad at all. I liked them, in fact. But long story short – I ended it.

And my struggle went on … I prayed every day to not “feel this way”. Almost every day, I would go to my favorite church and ask for “normal” feelings. I even had a friend help me become straight. For years, I felt like a prisoner. I hated myself for being gay. But eventually, I hated myself for not loving me. I got tired and just said to myself – fuck it, this is me. Then, I came out to my parents – ah, that day was a good day. 🙂

So after 10 years, came our high school alumni homecoming and I challenged myself to finally do it, else, there’d be no other time – even though we do have yearly get-togethers.

Why Apologize?
Apologizing to him was a big deal for me – I’ve been wanting to tick it off my bucket list. I was doing it not only for him, but also for myself. I’ve always had this guilt for using his feelings – not just once, but twice – to straighten me up. I felt horrible. He deserved at least an apology and to hear it from me … “Yes, I am gay”. There was this moment when I knew he felt somehow settled to just finally hear it straight from me.

Getting his forgiveness was divine. He uttered a few words that took away the baggage that I’ve been carrying for years … and those words were “More tequila?” … no that wasn’t it. ;p He looked me in the eye and said “It’s okay”. And that, my friend, was a moment for me. 🙂

I knew it didn’t come as a surprise to him. Maybe my apology did, but not the reason for my apology. Ever since I came out to my parents, I have been less discreet. I mean, I don’t post TMI (too much info) or shout “Hey, I’m gay” on Facebook, but I don’t hide anymore. I just decided to care less about what people think – except if it was about our noisy neighbor. Don’t you just hate it when you get a human alarm clock at 6am during the weekend? Anyway, bless you my former neighbor. I wish you’ve lost your voice … just kidding. ;p Now, where was I? ;p

I didn’t even expect him to forgive me. I never thought of it. All I ever wanted was to apologize. In fact, I made myself ready if the conversation didn’t go well. But he impressed me by being respectful and gracious enough … besides the fact that at some point, I have hurt and offended him. Soon enough, we were already making jokes about the past.

What happened made me appreciate him more. I have this former suitor & friend who keeps on shoving off his romantic intentions into my face – saying subtle things that would hopefully change my mind. I mean come on, dude! Yes, I’m a girl and I understand that a girl’s “No” could mean “Yes” … but if 10 years later, she still says no, that probably really means no. ;p So again, No. Seriously. And in case you were wondering, I wasn’t abused. My childhood was awesome. Except for the part when I ate paste … or when I nearly swallowed a coin … or every time my elder sister would put makeup on my face because I was her doll. ;p Aside from those, everything else was fine.

Boy Girl FriendsSo there, after 10 years, a gay girl finally got to apologize to her ex-boyfriend – and what can be better than getting forgiveness in return? This guy will always be special to me – not in a romantic way, but in some special way – and that, i think, makes it one of a kind.

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o+

 

 

 

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Comments
  1. Trent says:

    Nice, so you’re a girl. I thought you’re a bisexual guy. Lol

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